positive reinforcement for kids huh… I seriously used to believe it was the simplest thing ever. Smile big, throw out compliments like candy, watch confidence explode. lol nope. That was straight-up delusional.
I’m parked at the kitchen island right now in our place outside Raleigh. There’s still oatmeal stuck to the table from breakfast, the dog’s fur tumbleweeds rolling across the floor every time the AC kicks on, and I’m nursing the last swallow of yesterday’s cold brew that tastes like regret. Kids finally at school so the house is quiet for once, but I can still hear the echo of them fighting Raising Kids with Confidence over the blue Pop-Tart wrapper earlier.
How I Used to Be the Worst at Positive Reinforcement for Kids
I was all about the hype. “You’re incredible!” “Best drawer ever!” even if it was just a stick figure with three legs. Felt like I was killing it as dad. Then reality hit. My son would bail the minute stuff got hard. One afternoon he was trying to make this Lego spaceship, piece wouldn’t snap, he chucks the whole thing into the couch cushions and screams “I suck at this! I’m never building again!” I’m just standing there frozen like… shit, I think I helped make him think that.
Eventually I actually read some stuff (Carol Dweck’s growth mindset thing is legit—check https://www.mindsetworks.com/science/ if you haven’t) and it clicked that I was basically telling them “you’re either naturally good or you’re trash Raising Kids with Confidence.” No in-between. So struggle = failure = I’m worthless. Brutal.
Took forever to stop. Still catch myself slipping sometimes.
Positive Reinforcement for Kids Things I’m Trying Now (When My Brain Works)
Here’s the current playbook—nothing polished, I forget to do half of it:
- Be stupid specific. Forget generic “good job.” I try “Hey I noticed you kept spinning that puzzle piece around till you found the right way instead of rage-quitting. That’s tough stuff.” They give me side-eye but you can tell it hits different.
- Wait to say it sometimes. My daughter wiped down the counters after taco night without me saying a word (actual miracle). Didn’t praise her right then. Waited till bedtime story and muttered “Thanks for the kitchen help earlier. Saved me like twenty minutes of grumpiness.” She beamed like I’d handed her cash.
- “Yet” saves my ass constantly. “You can’t do a handstand yet… but look how much stronger your arms are getting from trying.” It’s cheesy as hell. Works though.
- Reward charts? Buried in the junk drawer. They became “gimme my sticker NOW” battles Raising Kids with Confidence. Now it’s sporadic—like picking dinner spot after a stretch of no morning meltdowns.
(Old sticker chart was pathetic. Layers of peeling stars and crossed-out categories. We quit after like three weeks.)
The Time I Tried to Be Slick and Ate It
Few weekends ago at the community pool. Sun burning, kids cannonballing, chlorine so strong my eyes watered. My little one keeps inching toward the deep end ropes even though we said “shallow only.” I go for the positive redirect: “I love how excited you are about jumping—wanna show me your best ones over by the steps where it’s safer?”
Big grin. “YEAH JUMPS!” Then he launches himself like a missile straight into the deep end. Had to jump in jeans and all to haul him out. Whistle blowing, parents staring, me soaked and whispering “okay bad call dad.” Classic backfire.
How It’s Going Lately I Think
positive reinforcement for kids isn’t a cure-all. Laundry mountain still growing, Fortnite arguments still happen, I still get short when the day drags. But the little changes are adding up. Son whiffed on a shot last soccer game, walked off sad, but then told me “I’m gonna kick the ball against the garage more.” Daughter keeps attempting French braids even when they end up looking like rope. Says “next time it’ll be better.” Those sentences make the chaos worth it.
If you’re currently barricaded in the bathroom reading this while the kids bang on the door—pick one effort to notice today. Say something real about it. Doesn’t matter if it sounds dumb coming out.
What’s one praise thing you’re trying (or bombing) with your kids right now? Tell me in the comments. I steal the winners and commiserate on the fails.
Dog’s giving me the stare-down. Walk time before he starts dramatic sighing.
