okay so positive sibling relationships… yeah I’m still figuring this out big time.
Like right now I’m sitting in my apartment in Charlotte (well technically just outside in Matthews), it’s like 65 degrees which is nice for once, window cracked, hearing some dude across the complex yelling at his fantasy football draft pick. My brother’s in Denver these days and we just had another one of those “we almost had a nice conversation then it went sideways” moments. He sent me a pic of this ridiculous $18 avocado toast he bought and I replied “bro you’re literally funding my therapy bills with these choices” and then he got all defensive about inflation and cost of living and next thing I know we’re arguing about whether Biden or Trump ruined groceries more.
We didn’t speak for like four days after that. Classic us.
I swear positive sibling relationships used to feel easier when the biggest issue was who got the front seat. Now it’s like navigating landmines made of old grudges, different news bubbles, and the fact that we both think the other one “changed” (code for became insufferable).
Why Positive Sibling Relationships Feel Impossible Sometimes After 25
We’re not kids anymore. There’s distance—literal miles and also emotional miles. My brother once told me I was “too online” because I post stories of my coffee runs. I told him he’s “too offline” because he still uses Facebook like it’s 2012. We’re both kinda right and both kinda assholes about it.
I used to think space fixed everything. Turns out space just lets stuff fester quietly. Last summer I flew out to see him for four days and we spent like 60% of it in comfortable silence watching Rockies games and eating terrible chain wings, and 40% sniping at each other over dumb stuff like whose turn it was to pick the next show. But those quiet wing-eating moments? Those felt closer to real positive sibling relationships than anything we’d had in years.
Tip #1: Quit the Score-Keeping (I’m Still Bad At This)
I literally have a note in my phone called “things I’m not bringing up anymore” and half the list is petty crap from 2010–2022. Did he forget my birthday in 2017? Yes. Did I dramatically post a passive-aggressive Insta story about it? Also yes. Do I still low-key want credit for remembering his every year since? Unfortunately yes.
Positive sibling relationships happen when you burn the mental ledger. I’m trying. Last month on his birthday I sent a Venmo for $20 with the note “for therapy after dealing with me” and he sent one back with “for your therapy after dealing with YOU.” We called it even. Small win.
Tip #2: Make the Boring Recurring Thing Actually Happen
We have this stupid recurring “Sibling Hang” every other Sunday at 8pm our time / 6pm his. Sometimes it’s 9 minutes of “how’s work?” “fine you?” “fine bye.” Sometimes we end up talking for 90 minutes about nothing and everything. Last one we ranked every fast food chain’s spicy chicken sandwich (Chick-fil-Truce was #1 obviously, don’t @ me).
The point isn’t perfection. It’s showing up even when you don’t feel like it. That’s like 70% of positive sibling relationships right there.
Tip #3: Say Sorry for the Little Petty Bullshit
I once got mad because he didn’t react to my new profile pic. Sent a whole paragraph about how he “never supports me online.” He replied “dude I’m at work and my phone died calm down.”
I felt like an idiot. Texted back “yeah that was unhinged sorry I was hangry.” He sent a shrug emoji and “it’s cool I’ve been worse.” Done. No three-hour heart-to-heart needed.
Small sorrys keep the resentment from building into big blowups. I’m learning this the hard way.
Tip #4: Send the Dumb Low-Effort Stuff That Says “I Remember You Exist”
I’ll send him a pic of a gas station sign here in NC that says “$4.89 for regular 😭 kill me” or a video of my neighbor’s dog that looks exactly like the one we had growing up. He sends back grainy shots of elk in his backyard or him failing at making instant ramen “gourmet.”
Those tiny pings matter more than I thought. They’re proof positive sibling relationships can still exist even when you live 1,800 miles apart and mostly communicate in memes.
Real Talk: I Still Screw This Up Constantly
Two weeks ago I muted our group chat because he liked a political post I hated. Stayed muted for a week like a toddler. Then I felt guilty, unmuted, sent a voice note that was basically “I hate when we do this, sorry I’m dramatic sometimes.” He called me like twenty minutes later and we talked about football instead of politics. Didn’t fix the divide but remembered we’re still siblings first.
Positive sibling relationships aren’t Instagram reels of matching tattoos and tearful reconciliations. They’re mismatched socks, half-hearted apologies, dumb memes at 1 a.m., and deciding—again and again—that the person is worth the annoyance.
If your sibling relationship feels stuck right now, just try one stupid small thing this week. Send the ugly selfie. Apologize for that one comment from 2019. Put “call idiot brother/sister” in your calendar.
It won’t be perfect. Mine sure isn’t.
But it’s better than nothing.
Anyway I’m about to text him a pic of this raccoon that’s been living under my deck like it pays rent. Because that’s apparently how we say “I love you” now.
